Small Victories

Some of you may have heard me talk about my small victories. While I was in the hospital, my own health became a priority. There was no way of saving my sweet girl, so my health became my focus. I began to worry about making sure I would make it through as unharmed as possible. I began to spike a fever and my kidneys weren't working as great as they should. I was being pumped full of fluids and not releasing it as well as a should. That's right, I was not peeing enough. I was making just the minimum amount of urine before I was in the danger zone. As many of you know, I'm an over achiever, I didn't like bing on the cusp. Overnight, things didn't improve, until morning. Jill came in and exclaimed "whoa! You peed!" I was so happy my body was finally cooperating, I exclaimed "victory! That's something to celebrate." And there, small victories were born. Each day I would sit down with James and talk about what small victories were acheived. They ranged from the first postpartum poop to zipping up my pre pregnancy pants. It was a coping skill to see the positive in each day. It was time set aside to recognize that life wasn't all grief, there is joy and hope to be found.
I have been having a rough couple of days since returning home from Mexico. It's part getting ready for school and anxiety about that transition. I always get nervous about the beginning of the year, but it doubly hard this year. I'm nervous about being present and being the best teacher I can be. I have changed since I left that building, but I'm concerned that I won't be as happy, cheerful and lovable as I was before. I'm worried about the honesty of the students. Will they bring Fiona up? They might. And that will be both sad and sweet. Will I cry in front of them. I may. How can I explain, in a kid friendly way that some days I feel sad. I am so lucky to have the best group of women to work with and the most understanding parents.  Kiddos start in 5 weeks. A lot of change and growth can happen in 5 weeks. I hope I am 5 weeks stronger.
As I have mentioned, we have gotten the okay to start trying to conceive again. Just like last summer 😕 this experience has taught me that you can plan as much as you like, but it can still go to hell at the last minute. I'm trying to let go of control, but the planner and control freak in me is starting to creep up. I have been tracking ovulation tests for 3 days and I can already begin to feel the doubt and worry that something is wrong with my body. Which, I have nothing that points to anything being wrong. It's just anxiety. So I think about not taking the tests, but then I have freak out about not knowing if my body is ready. It's a vicious catch 22. I also have TOO MUCH INFO. I know too much about trying to get pregnant. (I need to put the internet down) I don't want this to be all consuming, but I can't hide my feelings. I want to be pregnant again. I want another chance. I don't  want to replace Fi, but I want to have a baby to bring home and hold.
So with this anxiety and worry, I find myself reaching back to small victories. When it's overwhelming, I stop and think about my small blessing and small victory in the day.  So today, what's my small victory? I wrote down what was bugging me. I opened up and put in to words what's going on in my head. It has helped me. Not to mention it's only 10 am. I have so much more time today to do something amazing.