When you are pregnant, you get noticed, people ask you questions and feel like they can get to know you because you obviously have a huge life event looming. It's nice when things are going well. However, when something bad happens, it another person on the list who gets the bad news or you have to explain. I have faced many places that cause triggers. The doctor's office was the first one I had to face. We went to our 7th appointment and it was the first one I wasn't having anxiety the night befor, fearing the worst (Progress!). I have gone back to my chiropractor. I went there an hour before the dreaded ultrasound. I have gone back to work. The first time was ugly. Luckily, most of the staff was in a meeting and school was out, so I saw just a handful of people. These people literally held me up as I walked down the hallway. Anyways, there a still a few places I just can't face.
When I was pregnant with Fi, I had a very particular palate. I could hardly eat meat and the smell of it cooking would totally turn me off. In the beginning. Ice cream was about the only thing I could stomach (Haagen Dazs chocolate with peanut butter). I ate a lot of ice cream and cookies for that matter. As you can imagine, with my aversion to cooking meat, eating at home was tough because cooking it would turn me off. As you can imagine there were places we frequented. There was one, a local Italian restaurant with THE BEST penne a la vodka and cannoli. We went almost every Friday night and James happened to know the bartender. We went just a week before we lost Fi and joked that I would be there for my birthday with a tiny baby in tow, just for the Penne! But we didn't.
We have yet to return. I can't imagine going back empty handed and having the awkward conversation with the staff about our loss. How could I have that conversation with almost strangers? As much as I want some penne a la vodka.
I used to work at Motherhood maternity about 5 years ago. So when I got pregnant, I was not intimidated by maternity clothes and couldn't wait to put on a full panel pant! One of my former co-workers was still working there, so I had a friendly face to see whenever I needed to go shopping. (Like the day before my shower and I needed a dress that made me feel pretty.) Again, so nice for the support while I was pregnant, not someone I wanted to share my sad news with. So, I won't be going back to that store this pregnancy. If I need something to wear, I will travel to another store or shop target, old navy or kohls. I don't need the stress of almost bumping into that co-worker. (Although she was at market basket las week while I was purchasing salted caramels on a total craving run. I managed to dodge her and come out unscathed. Looks like I will shop at the grocery closer to work.)
It may seem stupid, almost self centered that I think I might be "noticed," but I would rather avoid the opportunity then risk the awkward conversation. Maybe I will be able to get some penne a la vodka after April or I could convince a family or friend to get some to go for me, but I just can't go there myself.
This pregnancy, we have only frequented one restaurant and they are like family. We hosted Fi's wake there. They know our story. They are holding their breath with us. As all of our friends and family are. We are in a scary, holding pattern, together.
But hey! 17 weeks down, 20 weeks to go.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Saturday, November 14, 2015
And I thought I couldn't have anymore fear
Ha! Just when I think that I couldn't have anymore fears or worries, my subconscious has another thing coming! I am scared. Like constant state of alert, scared. I'm pretty sure the list of fear is going to get longer.
Because of my age, many friends are beginning or expanding their families. I was pregnant at the same time as a handful of friends and acquaintances. One of my best friends was just two weeks ahead of me. Talk about a dream come true! I think most women would like to be pregnant with their friend. We could relate to our aches and pains, lack of energy and dreams. Our babies were going to be boyfriend and girlfriend! That was the dream, until that dreadful Monday. She was actually the first non family member to know what happened. We both had appointments, she texted to check in to see if we were going to be induced. I replied "she's gone. There is no heartbeat." At the time, we didn't have any real answers. We still don't, just speculations.
Anyway, I delivered Fi silently on Tuesday and just two days later, my friend delivered her healthy son. I was so happy she had a healthy baby but I was in a pile of grief. My friend did not push. She checked in, even when I didn't respond, she would send a text letting me know she was thinking of me and would still be my friend even though she understood I couldn't be at that moment. Her understanding has been remarkable. We are navigating this strange path that is covered in pitfalls and she is doing a phenomenal job. She has vowed that I never have to see her son. Which is so sweet. I know I'm not ready right now, but hope one day, I can meet him and celebrate him. It's just not going to happen this year. It's such a relief that this friend is protecting my heart as if it was her own. I cannot thank her enough for her empathy and forethought.
Needless to say, yet another handful of friends and aquaintences are pregnant at the same time as me. Some even due within weeks of me. Where this used to excite me, it scares the hell out of me. What if something happens? How will James handle it if it's one of his friends? Please place me in a bubble until April. PLEASE.
After I lost Fi, I made a very odd promise to myself. I told myself I wouldn't hold a baby, until I could hold my own living child. I have kept that promise so far. Keeping babies at more than arms length. Although trying not to be rude, just trying to protect my heart. Please take no offense if I don't want to hold your baby. I made a promise and I don't like to break promises. I hope this boycott will end in April and I can snuggle all your babies.
And maybe, when he's 16 and it's super awkward, I can hug my friend's son. Hopefully sooner, but I can't garrantee anything.
Because of my age, many friends are beginning or expanding their families. I was pregnant at the same time as a handful of friends and acquaintances. One of my best friends was just two weeks ahead of me. Talk about a dream come true! I think most women would like to be pregnant with their friend. We could relate to our aches and pains, lack of energy and dreams. Our babies were going to be boyfriend and girlfriend! That was the dream, until that dreadful Monday. She was actually the first non family member to know what happened. We both had appointments, she texted to check in to see if we were going to be induced. I replied "she's gone. There is no heartbeat." At the time, we didn't have any real answers. We still don't, just speculations.
Anyway, I delivered Fi silently on Tuesday and just two days later, my friend delivered her healthy son. I was so happy she had a healthy baby but I was in a pile of grief. My friend did not push. She checked in, even when I didn't respond, she would send a text letting me know she was thinking of me and would still be my friend even though she understood I couldn't be at that moment. Her understanding has been remarkable. We are navigating this strange path that is covered in pitfalls and she is doing a phenomenal job. She has vowed that I never have to see her son. Which is so sweet. I know I'm not ready right now, but hope one day, I can meet him and celebrate him. It's just not going to happen this year. It's such a relief that this friend is protecting my heart as if it was her own. I cannot thank her enough for her empathy and forethought.
Needless to say, yet another handful of friends and aquaintences are pregnant at the same time as me. Some even due within weeks of me. Where this used to excite me, it scares the hell out of me. What if something happens? How will James handle it if it's one of his friends? Please place me in a bubble until April. PLEASE.
After I lost Fi, I made a very odd promise to myself. I told myself I wouldn't hold a baby, until I could hold my own living child. I have kept that promise so far. Keeping babies at more than arms length. Although trying not to be rude, just trying to protect my heart. Please take no offense if I don't want to hold your baby. I made a promise and I don't like to break promises. I hope this boycott will end in April and I can snuggle all your babies.
And maybe, when he's 16 and it's super awkward, I can hug my friend's son. Hopefully sooner, but I can't garrantee anything.
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