The things I didn't do

Guilt is a killer. There is a crap-ton of guilt that comes with losing a child. Sometimes when I am feeling extremely shitty, I think of the things I didn't do.  The things that made me a "bad mom-to- be." Although I know none of these things would have saved Fi, I still regret not doing them. When that regret gets too big, a small voice inside me, sees it as a blessing. As if somewhere, deep down, my soul knew that we wouldn't be taking her home.

I never read her a story. I read stories to my students daily, but I never took time to specially read a story just for her.

I never took the weekly/ monthly pictures of the growing tummy. I was not comfortable during my pregnancy. I didn't like being out of control and didn't like my body getting bigger and bigger. So we didn't document any of it. I'm grateful that we didn't so I don't have multiple pictures to remind me of my loss.

I never spent much time in her nursery. Other than the one day we spent totally prepping the space, I never spent much time in her room. Even today, the walls are bare and clothes are still unfolded in baskets.  The crib has been returned. (An adventure to write about another day)

I never picked out a lullaby for her. I was trying to find one, but I couldn't find the perfect song for her. I'm happy I didn't because no song was ruined or connected to her to bring me more pain.

We never put the car seat in. That fateful Monday, I was so miffed at James for not having the car seat in the car. We were going to have a baby any minute! Another small gift. We didn't have to drive home from th hospital with an empty car seat. It was terrible to leave the hospital empty handed, but we didn't have the added pain of removing the seat.

So there it is. The confession of my crimes. Although honestly, they were blessings. Although I sometimes feel like a bad mommy to be, I think my heart was saved a few pains.  Does this mean my next pregnancy will follow the same path? I don't know.  I think there will be a balance of excitement and nervousness. (And maybe a few more belly pictures)

I'm not a b*tch, I swear

The green, jealous monster comes out sometimes. The judgey bitch is a bit more sensitive these days. I'm finding myself a little on the angry side lately. I watch other's parenting choices and I get so angry. I see pregnant women taking risks in their pregnancy and still get their little ones. I know people who have drank (until buzzed) during pregnancy or even those who  continue drug use and they have beautiful babies. So, why, WHY did mine get taken away? Why was mine the one that dies? I just want to yell at these women and say, do you know how freaking lucky you are? Do you thank God everyday that you have your healthy child? Likely not. It's the fact that I can see people take their healthy babies for granted. That KILLS ME! 

For example: 

Sitting at the beach, I get a lot of time to people watch. A couple of weeks ago I see this mom with her three children all under the age of 5 and clearly pregnant with her 4th. First, I say a silent prayer hat she has a healthy pregnancy. Since I lost Fi, I find myself praying for pregnant strangers that they never join this shitty club called bereaved parents. Anyways, I watch her let the older two children run to the water unsupervised while the younger one plays in the sand and she smokes her cigarette. She then yells at the younger child for eating sand and says a few choice swear words, yanks the little up and drags him to the water with his brothers.

I'm not saying she's a bad mother. She was brave to bring that crew to the beach. However, it may just be my skewed perception, but she is so lucky to have those children and it seemed that she was taking it all for granted. 

I also find myself jealous of those parents that complain about the woes of parenthood. Jeez, what I wouldn't give to be exhausted from a baby who won't sleep, or needs to feed every hour. Poopy diapers! I would love to be changing disgusting, stinky diapers. But I'm not. I have my own stinky pile of grief to deal with. I'm awake in the middle of the night being thrown back into the ultrasound room and hearing the gasping cry of my husband. So... I guess I have my own issues. 

I don't mean to start a parenting war or shame anyone. I just need to let the big green jealous monster out. Because that's where this all comes from, deep deep jealousy.

So now, I go back to focusing on my path and not others. I'm not saying  that once we are lucky enough to bring a baby home I won't struggle or complain about the challenges of motherhood. I just hope I keep the perspective of how lucky I am.

Okay.... Done ranting.

The Hits Keep Coming!

There is a recall on our crib. That's right. The crib sitting in the room we don't open the door to.  It needs to be dismantled and returned. That's a lie.... I've opened the door. I go in sometimes and cry. I keep thinking of how ready we were for Fi's arrival. So many books to read, blankets to snuggle and diapers to mess in! But now they sit there, waiting.
Speaking of waiting.... We were referred to meet with the perinatalologist and finally had an appointment yesterday.  It was called a "preconception" appointment. As we arrived at the office, I could feel my blood pressure rising. I just wanted to cry. The nurse who came to take my vitals, looked at me with sad eyes and said, "you shouldn't be nervous. It's fine, it's okay." I wanted to say.... "For real?! Okay? It's not okay. I shouldn't have to be here!" But I was there... And it's another step in this shitty process. We sat in the sterile, cold consultation room, waiting for this specialist to give us some information about what're should do next.
The doctor came in, took one look at me, pat me in the shoulder and told me to relax. I immediately burst in to tears. He looked in my file and said. " you've had a bad pregnancy experience. I'm supposed to tell you that you will have plenty of healthy children and it's all going to be ok. " and he looked at me with sad eyes. Then he asked us what questions we had. I reluctantly said ," I don't think you can answer our questions. We will never know what happened. I just want to know how to move forward so this doesn't happen again."  So the doctor asked us to share what had happened. His response? It was likely preeclampsia that looks differently in me and there was placental failure. Which my mind hears as "preventable," but it wasn't. No one could have seen this coming. Anyways, he gave us some homework. First he says, "don't get pregnant for a year." His reasons were: I need to be ready emotionally. He is concerned about my anxiety. When I stated that I don't want to wait a year and that I'm aware of how hard and scary a new pregnancy will be, but it's going to suck no matter how long I wait, he nodded at me. Then he said, you just showed me that you are emotionally ready to take this next step. However, physically, he suggested we wait another three months to make sure my body is ready for another pregnancy. He quoted facts and figures regarding the increase of  miscarriage with people who conceive within a year of full term birth. It increases from 15% to 19%. He suggested focusing on losing the baby weight (a post for a different day). And reconnecting with my husband. But then he looked at me and stated that he was confident that we would have healthy children and the family that we want.
So this left us with some things to think about. Do we wait until October to begin trying? Sorry doc, no. I'm not going to sit here and track my fertility, but I'm not going to prevent pregnancy. If my body is ready, it will get pregnant, if it's not, then no worries. I will become the crazy fertility lady come October, but for now, I leave it in the hands of God. (I love how I think that I can actually control my fertility...... Ha!)
I wasn't sure what to expect out of this appointment, but I'm not sure how I feel about this doctor. He's a specialist. He isn't warm. He's kind of on the spectrum, but he supposedly knows what he's talking about. I'm just a bit confused. He says wait, my lady doctor says try, and me? I just want a baby. I want hope. See, I think that's what the doctor missed. It's not just about realizing a dream that got taken away, but it's about the hope for the future. It's about answering all the questions I have in the back of my head. Will I be able to conceive again?will I be strong enough to get through this pregnancy? A baby is hope.
I think this appointment created more questions rather answered them. So what was my take away?
Doctors and specialists have a lot of knowledge, but can I really put my trust in someone who has known me for 37 minutes and made terrible eye contact? It's a crapshoot.
So what are we going to do?
I'm going to continue my weight loss journey. I'm calling a counselor today to finally see someone (my anxiety is creeping up in weird ways,,, another post some other day).
Oh, and we will be returning the crib when we get back from VT.
But as for trying to get pregnant ?
We will see what hand God deals us (praying for a full house ;).