There is a recall on our crib. That's right. The crib sitting in the room we don't open the door to. It needs to be dismantled and returned. That's a lie.... I've opened the door. I go in sometimes and cry. I keep thinking of how ready we were for Fi's arrival. So many books to read, blankets to snuggle and diapers to mess in! But now they sit there, waiting.
Speaking of waiting.... We were referred to meet with the perinatalologist and finally had an appointment yesterday. It was called a "preconception" appointment. As we arrived at the office, I could feel my blood pressure rising. I just wanted to cry. The nurse who came to take my vitals, looked at me with sad eyes and said, "you shouldn't be nervous. It's fine, it's okay." I wanted to say.... "For real?! Okay? It's not okay. I shouldn't have to be here!" But I was there... And it's another step in this shitty process. We sat in the sterile, cold consultation room, waiting for this specialist to give us some information about what're should do next.
The doctor came in, took one look at me, pat me in the shoulder and told me to relax. I immediately burst in to tears. He looked in my file and said. " you've had a bad pregnancy experience. I'm supposed to tell you that you will have plenty of healthy children and it's all going to be ok. " and he looked at me with sad eyes. Then he asked us what questions we had. I reluctantly said ," I don't think you can answer our questions. We will never know what happened. I just want to know how to move forward so this doesn't happen again." So the doctor asked us to share what had happened. His response? It was likely preeclampsia that looks differently in me and there was placental failure. Which my mind hears as "preventable," but it wasn't. No one could have seen this coming. Anyways, he gave us some homework. First he says, "don't get pregnant for a year." His reasons were: I need to be ready emotionally. He is concerned about my anxiety. When I stated that I don't want to wait a year and that I'm aware of how hard and scary a new pregnancy will be, but it's going to suck no matter how long I wait, he nodded at me. Then he said, you just showed me that you are emotionally ready to take this next step. However, physically, he suggested we wait another three months to make sure my body is ready for another pregnancy. He quoted facts and figures regarding the increase of miscarriage with people who conceive within a year of full term birth. It increases from 15% to 19%. He suggested focusing on losing the baby weight (a post for a different day). And reconnecting with my husband. But then he looked at me and stated that he was confident that we would have healthy children and the family that we want.
So this left us with some things to think about. Do we wait until October to begin trying? Sorry doc, no. I'm not going to sit here and track my fertility, but I'm not going to prevent pregnancy. If my body is ready, it will get pregnant, if it's not, then no worries. I will become the crazy fertility lady come October, but for now, I leave it in the hands of God. (I love how I think that I can actually control my fertility...... Ha!)
I wasn't sure what to expect out of this appointment, but I'm not sure how I feel about this doctor. He's a specialist. He isn't warm. He's kind of on the spectrum, but he supposedly knows what he's talking about. I'm just a bit confused. He says wait, my lady doctor says try, and me? I just want a baby. I want hope. See, I think that's what the doctor missed. It's not just about realizing a dream that got taken away, but it's about the hope for the future. It's about answering all the questions I have in the back of my head. Will I be able to conceive again?will I be strong enough to get through this pregnancy? A baby is hope.
I think this appointment created more questions rather answered them. So what was my take away?
Doctors and specialists have a lot of knowledge, but can I really put my trust in someone who has known me for 37 minutes and made terrible eye contact? It's a crapshoot.
So what are we going to do?
I'm going to continue my weight loss journey. I'm calling a counselor today to finally see someone (my anxiety is creeping up in weird ways,,, another post some other day).
Oh, and we will be returning the crib when we get back from VT.
But as for trying to get pregnant ?
We will see what hand God deals us (praying for a full house ;).
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