Choosing Love

As mentioned before, shortly after we were told that Fiona had passed, I worried that I would also lose my husband as well. James has always wanted to be a father and just days before it was suppose to happen, I failed him. I know now that it's not my fault, but at the time I felt like a failure. James held me and told me that he would never leave me and none of this would make him want to leave.  I knew the pressure and strain an event like this places on a marriage. Although we've been together for almost 5 years but we have been married for less than two years. How could a relationship that is still so young endure such tragedy? 

First, we acknowledged that we would greive differently. Men and women greive very differently. In a situation like this, not only is the woman dealing with normal grief, but your hormones are all over the place and physically you've been through a marathon. My greive came out like an ocean. There were times when it hit like a tsunami and I couldn't control it. Other times it was in small, intermittent waves. I could never predict what kind of day I was going to have and it would change from moment to moment. James was different. He wanted to be strong for me. He felt I had the "harder job" and wanted to remain strong for me. He would let his grief out in spurts. He didn't always do it in front of me. He would let it out with family or alone. Our processes were very different and we accepted that. We often said "you do what you need to do." When it was a hard day, we would hug each other and reassure one another that it was going to be okay. 

Second, we talked about hope and our future. We discussed, while still in the hospital, how soon we wanted to try again. One of our doctors (who we will not be working with again.) told us that we should wait 18 months. HA! We have found two doctors within the practice who support us in our decision to try as soon as possible. I firmly believe that my body will know when it's ready. Trying to get pregnant and thinking about the future provides us with something that seemed to disappear. Hope. Hope brings us so much peace. We know that the next pregnancy is going to be the most terrifying thing  we have ever experienced, but how could we not try? When things seem the darkest, hope is what would give me some light.

Finally, we made "us" a priority. That means we check in via texts or phone calls more often. We go to bed at the same time. Even if I am tired, I will snuggle James on the couch until it's time to go to bed. We make time for each other. It's not that we didn't do this before, but now we know the importance of this time. We will be heading on our vacation in just 4 days. I knew that this trip would provide us something healing and an opportunity to reconnect as a "normal couple." No one in Mexico knows our story. We can be ourselves without the fear of bumping in to someone and explaining what had happened. We chose to go back to where we honeymooned. The resort is gorgeous and was a magical experience for both of us. We hope that this amazing property can offer some healing. We know that we need to make each other a priority so grief doesn't drown us both.

Losing a child is one of the largest stressors a couple can face. We know that by facing this together, choosing love, we can come out the other side stronger and more in love than before, but it takes understanding and work. I believe we are up for the challenge.