Gender Disappointment/excitement

As stated before, I cried for two days when I found out Fi was a girl. Then, I cried because I was so guilty for being sad. The more I look back, the more I believe that deep down my soul knew. I somehow knew my first child wasn't supposed to be a girl. I began to embrace being a mom of a girl, but I never really settled in to it.
On the way to our most recent anatomy scan, I said, with tearful eyes, "if it's a girl, I don't know what I will do. How will I love it? How will I live through the next 4 months?" James held my hand and said, "You will take one look and fall in love. You are going to love this baby no matter what." I had an intuition that this baby was a boy almost from the beginning. My whole pregnancy has been different. I feel better. I look better. I can eat vegetables.
When I heard those wonderful words "It's a boy!" My first reaction was relief. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. The second reaction was, I was right! (I love being right.) I began to cry. More joy and relief, than sadness. I could not help the huge smile that spread across my face. When telling our fave office person, I couldn't help the joy, smile and giddiness as I told her.
That night, James and I went out to celebrate jumping another hurdle. On the way, I said "Are you happy? Excited?" He smiled and looked straight ahead and said, "I'm happy, but I shouldn't be as happy as I am. He's healthy, that's all that matters." I replied, rather forcefully, "Don't you ever feel guilty for being happy that this is a boy. I have no guilt. It's different. That's what we need. Yes, he's healthy and that is the most important, but never feel bad for feeling relief!"
Pregnancy after loss is a tough road to navigate, with many bumps and hurdles. Gender is one of those hurdles. Some people want a total "do-over." They want things the same, they want a second chance. I, on the other hand, need things to be different. The only thing we want to be the same are some of our doctors and nurses, but that's because we love and trust them. (And we promised that we would be back on happier circumstances.)
My advice to the PAL parent, never feel guilty for your reaction to your new baby's gender. Your feelings are valid. Whether you are happy or disappointed, know that your feelings are normal. There is no right or wrong way to navigate this treacherous road. If there is something I have learned over these 22 weeks, it's that you just have to let the feeling flow and explore them after. You have to feel them. So, yes, I'm celebrating my soon to be son. It feels as if 200,000 pounds have been lifted from my shoulders. Any guilt? NOPE.

Crying at Home Depot

I felt like a bad mom. I had yet to visit the cemetery since we buried Fi. In all honesty, I hardly visit my dad. My belief is, it's just remains, their spirit is with me no matter where I am. However, I felt terrible and realized, she didn't have a tree, I hadn't really gotten her anything. So I resolved that I would get a balsam arrangement and go visit the site. I somehow landed at Home Depot garden center. That's when it all hit me. I was picking out plants and not toys. I was robbed of my Christmas. I bit my lip while I paid and walked quickly to my car. I promptly sobbed. Not just cried, but full on ugly-cry. I try not feel sorry for myself, but at that moment, I felt terrible. It's just not fair. I started should-ing on myself. I should be doing this or I should be buying that.
     I had done pretty well this Christmas season. Riding the waves of emotion and only feeling low a handful of times.  At that moment, I was at my lowest of the season. Not only did I feel like I was robbed, I felt like a neglectful mom. Talk about a sad combo. After about 10 minutes of feeling terrible, I pulled my sh*t together and moved on to the rest of my to do list.
     James joined me at the cemetery. The self pity and heartache set in. Not only was I feeling sad but I wasn't feeling her. I just wanted to feel her with me. We stayed, maybe, five minutes and went to finish shopping and get some lunch. I prayed that I would feel her with me the next day, Christmas.
       James and I had decided weeks ago that we would reveal the gender on Christmas. We didn't let family know. We wanted a surprise. Honestly, we wanted some joy and some thought of the future. Our Christmas was so joyful. I didn't feel like someone was missing. At first, I thought this was insensitive but in retrospect, NOPE. She wasn't missing. She was/is with us constantly.
    She is the best listener. She sent us a baby so quickly. This pregnancy has been a breeze. She sent us a Boy! She heard the fear deep in my heart and picked a brother! She has heard my plea that everything needs to be different.
So, we made it. We lived through Christmas. We made it over another hurdle.
22 weeks down
15 weeks to go - that's all my fingers and one set of toes!

20 weeks- Back to That Room

I should. E writing my progress notes for report cards right now, but I can't focus. I can't mental get passed Friday, so maybe, by writing, I can mentally move forward. I might be able to clear some space to get some work done.
Most pregnant women can't wait for their 20 week ultrasound. You get to find out the gender of your baby at this scan! With Fi, I took the whole day off in anticipation of finding out what we're going to have.
I'm ashamed to admit that when I found out I was having a girl, I cried. A lot. It took almost 48 hours for me to reconcile my fears of raising a girl. I was terrified about raising a strong woman with a healthy body image. I was worried about creating a close relationship, yet having an independent personality. It all just scared me.
This pregnancy, the fear is extremely different. I have begun to have some PTSD flashbacks of going in to that room. I was in there at 7 weeks and it was ugly. I refused to look at the screen, I had a nice meltdown in the office. I just don't know how I'm going to handle this. Because I have sought support in a couple of pregnancy after loss groups, I have now learned of so many other ways things can go wrong.  I'm terrified that something will come to light at the ultrasound. Most expecting parents are focused on finding the gender,  but they check out everything and I'm just so scared. On top of being terrified that something might be wrong, I'm also nervous about finding out the gender.
 There are pros and cons to either gender. There is a part of me that wants this to be a boy because then it's different. It's another aspect that will make this story different. However, we don't have much for a boy. We have some gender nuetral clothes, but not many. We have many pink blankets and snuggles. Which brings up the larger question, if it's a boy, do we keep the girl items in case we have a girl later on? Or do we donate/sell the items and start fresh. Large items are being kept. We always said they would be passed down, but the clothes, I'm not sure about.
If this baby is a girl, we have so much! On top of that, I love the name we have picked out. However, I wonder what effect that will have on my fear. Because it is something that is similar, will it send me into a trigger storm?  And then the question? Do we keep all the clothes? Or will it be too hard to use
 those items, knowing they were meant for the dream that didn't come true? Even deeper than that, will I look at this little girl and constantly wonder how similar she would be with her sister? Will I constantly be wondering and comparing? How unfair!
We will not be announcing gender until after the holiday season. We want to get through Christmas and then we can tell family and friends.  So, on Friday, I will be putting in a full day of work. I will be distracting myself until my appointment. I am trying to stay positive. You can tell me " it will be fine" until you're blue. Truth is, it won't be fine until April.
Fingers crossed, praying hands and positive vibes until then.