When I was in the hospital, I asked the nurse ,"what am I going to tell people?" We had so many friends and family, not to mention, the waitress at our favorite restaurant etc. that we're all anticipating this wonderful child with us. The nurse replied, "you will find your story." She said,"if you don't have the words, you could print out s little card to hand to people." So me, being the planner I am, I began to think about how I would word things, how I would say things.
It's been hard for me to say the actual words stillborn or stillbirth. Not sure why, maybe because people think it doesn't happen anymore and they can't comprehend that someone can go to full term and still lose a child. I have been saying "we lost our daughter." Which doesn't seem right. I didn't lose her. I.knew where she was and she was supposed to be safe. It's what I tend to say, but it still doesn't feel right. I need to figure out my story, what words work best for me.
We are currently in Mexico, enjoying our little retreat. (Major blessings on this trip!) I had anticipated seeing families, since this resort shares with a family resort, but we made all reservations late to avoid seeing children. I thought about how to answer when staff asked "what's the occasion for your trip?" (Answer: romantic getaway). What I didn't expect was the question, "do you have any children?"
We are staying on the adult only side of the resort and meeting fabulous people from all over. We are having fun, eating, drinking, dancing, etc. when they asked that harmless question, the last thing I want to do is bring down the happy mood. At first I started by saying , "no." Ugh! It was a lie. I have a daughter. She's just not with us anymore. So how do I answer that question without bringing on sympathy or sadness in such a happy place?
I pick and chose my answers. Depending on the situation, I share if I want to. When I say "no," I then say a quick apology to Fi, mentally and I know she gets it. But a few times I have shared it. "We lost our daughter at 37 weeks. That's why we are here. We needed to getaway." Some people don't know how to take it, so I put my smile on, say "we are ok, it's fine." To let them know, we don't need to dwell on it.
I met this wonderful couple and the woman is on her own journey of recovery. She shared her story and personal struggle with me, and I shared my story with her. It was perfect. Our journeys are very different, but a like in a lot of respects. Hearing her talk gave me permission to share what we were going through. We made a choice, at the beginning of the trio we didn't want to talk about it. However, the opportunity, with the right people opened up and that made me not afraid to open up a little more with some others here. You know what I learned? Everyone is going through something. We can't see it, but everyone is struggling or working through shit. Guess what? You're not alone!
This trip so far has been a blessing but the biggest one is one I didn't expect. I have been practicing my story and hearing and understanding others along the way.
Okay, enough serious. Time for a mimosa.
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