Gender Disappointment/excitement

As stated before, I cried for two days when I found out Fi was a girl. Then, I cried because I was so guilty for being sad. The more I look back, the more I believe that deep down my soul knew. I somehow knew my first child wasn't supposed to be a girl. I began to embrace being a mom of a girl, but I never really settled in to it.
On the way to our most recent anatomy scan, I said, with tearful eyes, "if it's a girl, I don't know what I will do. How will I love it? How will I live through the next 4 months?" James held my hand and said, "You will take one look and fall in love. You are going to love this baby no matter what." I had an intuition that this baby was a boy almost from the beginning. My whole pregnancy has been different. I feel better. I look better. I can eat vegetables.
When I heard those wonderful words "It's a boy!" My first reaction was relief. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. The second reaction was, I was right! (I love being right.) I began to cry. More joy and relief, than sadness. I could not help the huge smile that spread across my face. When telling our fave office person, I couldn't help the joy, smile and giddiness as I told her.
That night, James and I went out to celebrate jumping another hurdle. On the way, I said "Are you happy? Excited?" He smiled and looked straight ahead and said, "I'm happy, but I shouldn't be as happy as I am. He's healthy, that's all that matters." I replied, rather forcefully, "Don't you ever feel guilty for being happy that this is a boy. I have no guilt. It's different. That's what we need. Yes, he's healthy and that is the most important, but never feel bad for feeling relief!"
Pregnancy after loss is a tough road to navigate, with many bumps and hurdles. Gender is one of those hurdles. Some people want a total "do-over." They want things the same, they want a second chance. I, on the other hand, need things to be different. The only thing we want to be the same are some of our doctors and nurses, but that's because we love and trust them. (And we promised that we would be back on happier circumstances.)
My advice to the PAL parent, never feel guilty for your reaction to your new baby's gender. Your feelings are valid. Whether you are happy or disappointed, know that your feelings are normal. There is no right or wrong way to navigate this treacherous road. If there is something I have learned over these 22 weeks, it's that you just have to let the feeling flow and explore them after. You have to feel them. So, yes, I'm celebrating my soon to be son. It feels as if 200,000 pounds have been lifted from my shoulders. Any guilt? NOPE.