20 weeks- Back to That Room

I should. E writing my progress notes for report cards right now, but I can't focus. I can't mental get passed Friday, so maybe, by writing, I can mentally move forward. I might be able to clear some space to get some work done.
Most pregnant women can't wait for their 20 week ultrasound. You get to find out the gender of your baby at this scan! With Fi, I took the whole day off in anticipation of finding out what we're going to have.
I'm ashamed to admit that when I found out I was having a girl, I cried. A lot. It took almost 48 hours for me to reconcile my fears of raising a girl. I was terrified about raising a strong woman with a healthy body image. I was worried about creating a close relationship, yet having an independent personality. It all just scared me.
This pregnancy, the fear is extremely different. I have begun to have some PTSD flashbacks of going in to that room. I was in there at 7 weeks and it was ugly. I refused to look at the screen, I had a nice meltdown in the office. I just don't know how I'm going to handle this. Because I have sought support in a couple of pregnancy after loss groups, I have now learned of so many other ways things can go wrong.  I'm terrified that something will come to light at the ultrasound. Most expecting parents are focused on finding the gender,  but they check out everything and I'm just so scared. On top of being terrified that something might be wrong, I'm also nervous about finding out the gender.
 There are pros and cons to either gender. There is a part of me that wants this to be a boy because then it's different. It's another aspect that will make this story different. However, we don't have much for a boy. We have some gender nuetral clothes, but not many. We have many pink blankets and snuggles. Which brings up the larger question, if it's a boy, do we keep the girl items in case we have a girl later on? Or do we donate/sell the items and start fresh. Large items are being kept. We always said they would be passed down, but the clothes, I'm not sure about.
If this baby is a girl, we have so much! On top of that, I love the name we have picked out. However, I wonder what effect that will have on my fear. Because it is something that is similar, will it send me into a trigger storm?  And then the question? Do we keep all the clothes? Or will it be too hard to use
 those items, knowing they were meant for the dream that didn't come true? Even deeper than that, will I look at this little girl and constantly wonder how similar she would be with her sister? Will I constantly be wondering and comparing? How unfair!
We will not be announcing gender until after the holiday season. We want to get through Christmas and then we can tell family and friends.  So, on Friday, I will be putting in a full day of work. I will be distracting myself until my appointment. I am trying to stay positive. You can tell me " it will be fine" until you're blue. Truth is, it won't be fine until April.
Fingers crossed, praying hands and positive vibes until then.