Crying at Home Depot

I felt like a bad mom. I had yet to visit the cemetery since we buried Fi. In all honesty, I hardly visit my dad. My belief is, it's just remains, their spirit is with me no matter where I am. However, I felt terrible and realized, she didn't have a tree, I hadn't really gotten her anything. So I resolved that I would get a balsam arrangement and go visit the site. I somehow landed at Home Depot garden center. That's when it all hit me. I was picking out plants and not toys. I was robbed of my Christmas. I bit my lip while I paid and walked quickly to my car. I promptly sobbed. Not just cried, but full on ugly-cry. I try not feel sorry for myself, but at that moment, I felt terrible. It's just not fair. I started should-ing on myself. I should be doing this or I should be buying that.
     I had done pretty well this Christmas season. Riding the waves of emotion and only feeling low a handful of times.  At that moment, I was at my lowest of the season. Not only did I feel like I was robbed, I felt like a neglectful mom. Talk about a sad combo. After about 10 minutes of feeling terrible, I pulled my sh*t together and moved on to the rest of my to do list.
     James joined me at the cemetery. The self pity and heartache set in. Not only was I feeling sad but I wasn't feeling her. I just wanted to feel her with me. We stayed, maybe, five minutes and went to finish shopping and get some lunch. I prayed that I would feel her with me the next day, Christmas.
       James and I had decided weeks ago that we would reveal the gender on Christmas. We didn't let family know. We wanted a surprise. Honestly, we wanted some joy and some thought of the future. Our Christmas was so joyful. I didn't feel like someone was missing. At first, I thought this was insensitive but in retrospect, NOPE. She wasn't missing. She was/is with us constantly.
    She is the best listener. She sent us a baby so quickly. This pregnancy has been a breeze. She sent us a Boy! She heard the fear deep in my heart and picked a brother! She has heard my plea that everything needs to be different.
So, we made it. We lived through Christmas. We made it over another hurdle.
22 weeks down
15 weeks to go - that's all my fingers and one set of toes!