I've always been a bit of hypochondriac. I'm lucky enough to have a nurse for a sister who answers all my questions. I had (have) a terrible habit of looking up symptoms on WebMD and end up with a daignosis of cancer. I know, it's bad.
About five years ago, I was diagnosed with mild anxiety and depression. I was waking up in the middle of the night and having trouble panic attacks. I was not able to use any coping mechanisms that my therapist suggested and finally she recommended I start a medication. I was on medication for about 6-8 months before I was finally at point where I could use my coping skills and wean off of the medication.
As you can assume, my anxiety has been creepy up since I lost Fi. However, it is a very different monster this time around. It now shows itself in irrational fears regarding my health or James' health. Here are three wonderful examples.
1) while camping with my family in July, we were hanging out at a park before going to dinner. The kids were playing and the adults were sitting under the tree chatting. I sat on the ground and put my hands behind me so I could recline a bit. When I put my hands on the ground, I felt a prick on my hand and retracted it immediately. I looked down to see what I had put my hand on. There was a dead caterpillar next to me and I immediately remembered a post I had seen on Facebook. There are new poisonous caterpillar that has prickly fur that can paralyze and/or kill you. I had put my hand on said caterpillar. (Well, not really, but at the time I was convinced.) my sisters asked me what was wrong no I informed them of the caterpillar and my imminent doom. After about, 3 terrifying minutes, I realiEd I was not going to die, my hand was not swelling and the pinch I felt was actually the crusty already dead caterpillar that had dried in the sun. But for 3 minutes..... I was a goner.
2) James snores. Like a freaking train. Certain situations make his snoring worse. One night, he was fast asleep and I was awake. James was not snoring. Very odd, but it happens occasionally. I didn't think, "How lucky! I will be able to sleep easier tonight." No, no, no... What did I think? Was he breathing? Did he die? Is he suffering from some other internal ailment that I can't fix? I had to put my hand in front of his mouth and nose to make sure he was actually breathing. For about 2 minutes.... He was dead. (Not really, but in my head.... I was a widow.)
3) while on vacation in Mexico, James and I were out to dinner with another couple. We were eating some delicious food that had ingredients I wasn't sure about. I wasn't too concerned. I don't have any food allergies (that cause anaphylaxis). While eating, I got a little tickle in my throat. It made me cough, but you can just guess what my mind did. I had a tickle, and I tried swallowing , which I could, but was it labored? Was my tongue swelling? Does the resort have an epi pen on hand? Do they even have medical staff? Great, I'm going to end up in a Mexican hospital... Make that a filthy Mexican hospital where I will die, if not from asphyxiation, infection. I went from tickle to death in 5 seconds. I was trying to act all cool, but for 5 minutes I was silently freaking out and predicting my own death.
It was after this figured I should see someone. I have found an amazing therapist, who is trying to help me negotiate these crazy thoughts. I am suffering from PTSD. I thought it was a bit of an over diagnosis, but after looking at its definition... Yup. I have night terrors, panic attacks and triggers. There are SO MANY triggers. Shit I didn't even think would bug me, bug me. I will save my triggers for another post.
After a month of therapy, I have some coping skills, but it's hard to use them. I'm still working through all this grief. Luckily. I haven't contracted a new disease in almost two weeks :o)
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