The things I didn't do

Guilt is a killer. There is a crap-ton of guilt that comes with losing a child. Sometimes when I am feeling extremely shitty, I think of the things I didn't do.  The things that made me a "bad mom-to- be." Although I know none of these things would have saved Fi, I still regret not doing them. When that regret gets too big, a small voice inside me, sees it as a blessing. As if somewhere, deep down, my soul knew that we wouldn't be taking her home.

I never read her a story. I read stories to my students daily, but I never took time to specially read a story just for her.

I never took the weekly/ monthly pictures of the growing tummy. I was not comfortable during my pregnancy. I didn't like being out of control and didn't like my body getting bigger and bigger. So we didn't document any of it. I'm grateful that we didn't so I don't have multiple pictures to remind me of my loss.

I never spent much time in her nursery. Other than the one day we spent totally prepping the space, I never spent much time in her room. Even today, the walls are bare and clothes are still unfolded in baskets.  The crib has been returned. (An adventure to write about another day)

I never picked out a lullaby for her. I was trying to find one, but I couldn't find the perfect song for her. I'm happy I didn't because no song was ruined or connected to her to bring me more pain.

We never put the car seat in. That fateful Monday, I was so miffed at James for not having the car seat in the car. We were going to have a baby any minute! Another small gift. We didn't have to drive home from th hospital with an empty car seat. It was terrible to leave the hospital empty handed, but we didn't have the added pain of removing the seat.

So there it is. The confession of my crimes. Although honestly, they were blessings. Although I sometimes feel like a bad mommy to be, I think my heart was saved a few pains.  Does this mean my next pregnancy will follow the same path? I don't know.  I think there will be a balance of excitement and nervousness. (And maybe a few more belly pictures)