Ha! Just when I think that I couldn't have anymore fears or worries, my subconscious has another thing coming! I am scared. Like constant state of alert, scared. I'm pretty sure the list of fear is going to get longer.
Because of my age, many friends are beginning or expanding their families. I was pregnant at the same time as a handful of friends and acquaintances. One of my best friends was just two weeks ahead of me. Talk about a dream come true! I think most women would like to be pregnant with their friend. We could relate to our aches and pains, lack of energy and dreams. Our babies were going to be boyfriend and girlfriend! That was the dream, until that dreadful Monday. She was actually the first non family member to know what happened. We both had appointments, she texted to check in to see if we were going to be induced. I replied "she's gone. There is no heartbeat." At the time, we didn't have any real answers. We still don't, just speculations.
Anyway, I delivered Fi silently on Tuesday and just two days later, my friend delivered her healthy son. I was so happy she had a healthy baby but I was in a pile of grief. My friend did not push. She checked in, even when I didn't respond, she would send a text letting me know she was thinking of me and would still be my friend even though she understood I couldn't be at that moment. Her understanding has been remarkable. We are navigating this strange path that is covered in pitfalls and she is doing a phenomenal job. She has vowed that I never have to see her son. Which is so sweet. I know I'm not ready right now, but hope one day, I can meet him and celebrate him. It's just not going to happen this year. It's such a relief that this friend is protecting my heart as if it was her own. I cannot thank her enough for her empathy and forethought.
Needless to say, yet another handful of friends and aquaintences are pregnant at the same time as me. Some even due within weeks of me. Where this used to excite me, it scares the hell out of me. What if something happens? How will James handle it if it's one of his friends? Please place me in a bubble until April. PLEASE.
After I lost Fi, I made a very odd promise to myself. I told myself I wouldn't hold a baby, until I could hold my own living child. I have kept that promise so far. Keeping babies at more than arms length. Although trying not to be rude, just trying to protect my heart. Please take no offense if I don't want to hold your baby. I made a promise and I don't like to break promises. I hope this boycott will end in April and I can snuggle all your babies.
And maybe, when he's 16 and it's super awkward, I can hug my friend's son. Hopefully sooner, but I can't garrantee anything.
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