I'm not a b*tch, I swear

The green, jealous monster comes out sometimes. The judgey bitch is a bit more sensitive these days. I'm finding myself a little on the angry side lately. I watch other's parenting choices and I get so angry. I see pregnant women taking risks in their pregnancy and still get their little ones. I know people who have drank (until buzzed) during pregnancy or even those who  continue drug use and they have beautiful babies. So, why, WHY did mine get taken away? Why was mine the one that dies? I just want to yell at these women and say, do you know how freaking lucky you are? Do you thank God everyday that you have your healthy child? Likely not. It's the fact that I can see people take their healthy babies for granted. That KILLS ME! 

For example: 

Sitting at the beach, I get a lot of time to people watch. A couple of weeks ago I see this mom with her three children all under the age of 5 and clearly pregnant with her 4th. First, I say a silent prayer hat she has a healthy pregnancy. Since I lost Fi, I find myself praying for pregnant strangers that they never join this shitty club called bereaved parents. Anyways, I watch her let the older two children run to the water unsupervised while the younger one plays in the sand and she smokes her cigarette. She then yells at the younger child for eating sand and says a few choice swear words, yanks the little up and drags him to the water with his brothers.

I'm not saying she's a bad mother. She was brave to bring that crew to the beach. However, it may just be my skewed perception, but she is so lucky to have those children and it seemed that she was taking it all for granted. 

I also find myself jealous of those parents that complain about the woes of parenthood. Jeez, what I wouldn't give to be exhausted from a baby who won't sleep, or needs to feed every hour. Poopy diapers! I would love to be changing disgusting, stinky diapers. But I'm not. I have my own stinky pile of grief to deal with. I'm awake in the middle of the night being thrown back into the ultrasound room and hearing the gasping cry of my husband. So... I guess I have my own issues. 

I don't mean to start a parenting war or shame anyone. I just need to let the big green jealous monster out. Because that's where this all comes from, deep deep jealousy.

So now, I go back to focusing on my path and not others. I'm not saying  that once we are lucky enough to bring a baby home I won't struggle or complain about the challenges of motherhood. I just hope I keep the perspective of how lucky I am.

Okay.... Done ranting.